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A (Fictional) National CBB Writer Shares Three Keys for Navigating the NCAA Coaching Carousel

Though the NCAA Tournament is still going on, the coaching carousel is already in full swing. While it can be difficult to keep up with all of the movement as coaches freely go from one paid position coaching amateurs to the next one, it’s even harder to analyze what moves are good, and what moves are bad. Luckily, A10Talk got a member of the national college basketball media (Editor’s note: No we did not, this is a fictional article) to give us three key tips on how to evaluate coaching hires as the carousel charts its merry course through the offseason.

  • It’s better to coach the 12th best team in the Big Ten than the best team in the A10: A successful tenure at a mid-major school may sound nice. After all, it provides a good salary, stability, and you’re able to meet expectations most years. Coaches like Mark Schmidt and Porter Moser may value the ability to set down roots where they’re at now. They are dead wrong. It’s far better to take the job at, say, Boston College, because it’s in a bigger conference. Sure, you may be unhappier and will have far less stability, but bigger conference always means it’s a better job, and that’s especially true if the administrators at that power conference school are on texting terms with me. 
  • Xs and Os and recruiting is overrated: It’s nice to have a coach who can recruit good players. It’s nice to have a coach who is a great basketball mind as well. Really, though, those are all luxuries that can be addressed with a good coaching staff. The real key to a good hire is getting someone who is willing to have a steak with a member of the national basketball media and responds to our texts we sent them late at night just to check if they’re doing okay. If your school hires someone who does that, I can almost guarantee that hire is going to get a lot of praise. If your school hires someone who doesn’t reply when I text “U up? I’m thinking about you Coach,” it’s probably an awful hire and the AD should go work in the NAIA or high school. 
  • New Hires Must Have a Monetizable Catchphrase: It’s really important that whoever a school hires, it’s someone that I can come up with a catchphrase for like “Dave Luggins. Texarkana Big Rig Baller.” that I can then make a shirt for and profit from. This is especially important because coaches are the only ones I can do this for and monetize. If it’s a school, it can be difficult to monetize while navigating licensing agreement, and if it’s a player, it just feels exploitative. So it has to be a coach, and as a supposedly objective member of the media, maintaining this revenue stream is important to me. If it’s some random guy who I can’t make a catchphrase out of, it’s just a terrible hire and your school screwed up. No two ways around it. 

Please note that this article is entirely satirical.